Saturday, February 24, 2018

choosing to dance in the shower

walking through trees.

dancing in the shower.

singing opera in the car.

drinking mcdonalds milkshake.

choosing.

choosing to remember the God of the Israelite's. 

working to draw near to God even when he feels far. 

trying to purify my heart of sin.

learning to grieve this broken world.

 clinging to these words:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
-james 4:7-10

Sunday, February 18, 2018

morning isn't what I expected.

Great are you Lord.
You are holy and just. 
Your ways are perfect and beautiful and fair.
You are in control of what is happening.

It's now morning.
It's a new day.
The sun is still behind the clouds.
And although the fear still pulses through my veins-
although the tears of night still fall on my cheeks-
It's a new day.
Morning has come, however rainy and cloudy it may be.

Your love endures.
Your love is faithful.
Teach me of faith Lord.
Teach me about blind, childlike faith.

God, new pages are hard. 
New stories are exhausting.
But you are good.
Your love remains.
Your love is faithful.\
Your good.

You're here in the morning just like you're here in the night.
Teach me O Lord, not to fear the night.

-excerpt from my journal 2.17.18

I love a good analogy.
Give me all the metaphors and parables and abstract poetry.
To Kill A Mockingbird is a beautiful book in so many ways.
I love analogy so much that I try to write them on occasion. (usually not very successfully but whateevvver)

This past year I've written a lot about life in the night.
Walking and sitting in darkness.
The fear that comes with nighttime.
That morning is coming


Two nights ago was one of the hardest in a long time.
It was so emotional and beautiful, but also very terrifying and confusing.
It lasted hundreds of hours.

And then I woke up,
cheeks stained in tears.
Face swollen and stomach in knots.
And it was morning.

I thought morning would come full of sunshine and chirping birds.
I thought I would recover from the trauma of my friend's death with a fresh face,
ready to chase rainbows.

And it wasn't what I expected.

But I need to learn that just because the sun is behind clouds, doesn't mean it isn't there at all.


Saturday, February 10, 2018

anything but (simple)


sometimes I wonder how they can make something complex so simple.
I ask questions in my head over and over
as I hear their black and white words.

I clench my jaw and lower my eyes
and wonder why these people feel so wiser and superior.
I want to stop listening but I can't because,
then how am I going to shout internally?

everyone nods and seemingly agrees
they praise these simplified answers

and I feel angry that I can't just jump on the bandwagon.
because I can't
and they don't understand what there're talking about

but there I was with clenched fists and a pounding heart.
wondering if young people know stuff too.

Monday, January 29, 2018

naked faces being brave


i look ridiculous these days people.
i walk around in sweat pants, a naked face and dark circles.
i'm sore.
so tired.
i'm staring at a never ending to-do list.
and it's crazy.
i feel so crazy.

i stare at math problems and scholarship forms.
sigh.
and as much as i cherish this time in my life-
it feels crazy.
it is crazy.

but i'm learning how to be brave.
i'm learning to put myself out there even when i'm gonna faint.
and it is terrifying.
it's so scary.

i've gotta keep marching.
i've gotta keep doing supper hard things.
i will keep working, thinking, and facing fear.
even with my dark circles, yoga pants and unwashed hair, I will be brave.




Friday, January 5, 2018

fly bird fly


I watched some birds today.

Clusters of black against the grey-blue sky.


There were two flocks, relatively far apart: one in a line, the others in a messy V.  

Gliding, chasing, flapping they raced and enjoyed the air 

Then I saw three break away from the V, flapping as hard as they could that they might join the others in a line. 

The wind was blowing blowing blowing and they were flapping flapping flapping, stuck in a current. 

I watched these three birds flap their birdie behinds off. 

Yet they were stuck in the in between. 


I kept waiting for them to turn back to their old flock. 

I watched thinking they would slow down to realize their old flock was still closer then the other birds.


But they didn't. 

The three little birds flap flap flapped. 

They didn't look back, losing their aerodynamics. 

They just kept fighting. 



I watched them fly for a long while before they finally made it to the new flock. 


I found a strange connection to the birds flying high. 

Monday, January 1, 2018

simple analogies + complex feelings

simple analogies
//
new
morning
dawn
rising sun
clean page

complex feelings
//
confused
in the dark
trying to listen
sad
not ready to let go

//
I try to face the new year as social media would like me to: inspired, energized, ready to kick butt.
But how do you prepare for God's story?
His narrative?

I've spent the past eighteen years of my life training. I've spent hours doing school, dancing, studying, playing music, singing, acting, talking, listening, learning.
Learning learning learning.

I've learned that my job is to listen.

Yet I'm told to plan this blank page of a year.
Take control.
Make my dreams happen.
Run ahead at full force.

Listen?
Wait?

Those are horrible resolutions.

but I will quiet my planner self.
I will breathe in and find rest.
and I will wait.

I will wait for Him to make sense of these simple analogies + complex feelings

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

sometimes I eat chocolate cake for lunch


Sometimes I eat chocolate cake for lunch because I really love chocolate cake.

Sometimes I wake up at 4:30am and clean my room because I can't sleep.

Sometimes I don't brush my teeth before bed because I'm disgusting.

Sometimes I say I can't go to your birthday party, just because I hate birthday parties.

Sometimes I go through my sisters texts.

Sometimes I cry in my car because no one can hear me and I get weird.

Sometimes I read my text but don't replay for an embarrassing amount of time.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Sometimes I write embarrassing things on my blog to make you feel a little less alone.
[and maybe laugh]

q: what do you do sometimes?
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