I walk up to my room, empty of laughter and whispers, yet so full of things that call out their last use.
The paint brushes we used until 3:30am making water-color hand-lettering.
The chocolate cookies we ate compulsively.
Her cup of water.
A beautiful card that I still haven't actually read because I could only get two sentences in.
Two black flip-flops, one with a redneck contraption resulting from: first night of mission trip/long walk/broken shoe/hairband/a future engineer.
A pink notebook.
It's all petty and little and stupid.
She's moved before.
I've visited before.
We've done this.
In fact, we're almost pros at long distance friendship.
Our fb messaging game is beyond stellar.
Facetime is a regular occurrence and rarely lasts under an hour.
She knows what's happening.
I know what's happening.
We talk, and cry, and laugh together across a giant ocean.
It's sad to miss each others races, concerts, recitals, shows, time after time after time.
I hate not having sleepovers.
I hate not being able to have her meet the people I talk about.
Yet at the same time, I know how to sit with the sucky-ness when it comes.
Throughout my journal, you'll see me talking to God about whatever, and see a totally random, "I miss Jayna" thrown in.
Because there are days when I feel whats missing.
But not everyday.
There was something about this last visit that made it harder to swallow.
Maybe it's because she used to live here.
We have memories in my house.
She got to see some of my friends.
Meet up with some of her friends.
And then we hugged and said goodbye.
Goodbye with the knowledge that Korea is a lot farther the Hawaii.
Knowing that we might not see each other for a long time.
Knowing that this-
hugging during the tears
sleeping in the same bed when we had two
feeling completely and perfectly at home
no need to entertain
nothing to hide or pretend
true and authentically being
is what I'm missing.
Now I go back to being friends to the girl in the screen, knowing she's so much more.
This is a kinda sad post.
And it's okay, because I'm kinda sad.
But you wanna know something?
Being sad really is okay.
And in this little grey cloud, I'm confident in my need for Jesus.
I need his love to continually pour over me.
I'm reminded of my infinite value because of his infinite grace.
It's a side effect of our world.
These skin and bones are not my own.
It's not where I belong.